6 Things You Do Better When You’re Drunk

Make no mistake, alcohol can cause a lot of problems in life.

But when it comes to these six things, alcohol can actually help tremendously. After all, bad decisions often lead to the best stories.

1. Become An Internet Sensation

Someone associated with this song must have been drunk.

You think the majority of YouTube sensations were sober when they (almost willingly) accepted a Darwin Award? I think not.

2. Shop (with your girlfriend/friend/sister/any other she-devil that made you go)

Finally, you can enjoy yourself while walking through the seven layers of hell we call the mall. When drunk, you’re under the illusion you’re on an adventure.

Suddenly, you no longer smell capitalism. You’re no longer sitting on the store’s designated man-couch, but actually talking to strangers, trying on scarves, bargaining with the clerk, and re-dressing mannequins.

Who knows, maybe your new-found styling skills will actually land you a job. In that sense, maybe the mall isn’t so bad after all.

3. Cook

It’s 4 am and you’re suddenly the Iron Chef. This is the most important meal you will ever make. Cooking is no longer a burden, but an art form. You begin to throw together items less compatible than you and your stove.

In reality, your 6-year-old cousin’s easy-bake oven produces higher quality food.

Fortunately, regardless of how badly you disgrace the culinary arts, everything tastes GOOD. You can literally feel the carbs soaking up the vat of beer you just consumed. That meal may have saved your life.

4. Hit On Women

This point is debatable. However, if you’re the “ideal” drunk – it can be to your advantage.

This “ideal” means you don’t make a fool of yourself by forgetting the English language. It’s where your reflection is Brad Pitt and your confidence is Tommy Lee.

As a result, you become less nervous and more talkative. More importantly, you can avoid using pick-up lines (because you won’t be quick enough to think of one, and/or discover they don’t work on women over 20).

P.S. A pick-up line is mildly ‘cute’ for an eighth of a second (assuming, of course, it’s the best line ever). Chances are, yours is not. If you can memorize lines, become an actor. As for women – start a genuine conversation with ”how’s it going?”  and exclude the “if beauty were time, you’d be eternity” schtick.

5. Confront People*

Maybe it’s 8 pm and you had a few too many at happy hour. Or, it’s 8 am and you’re still drunk. Whatever drunk o’clock it is, it’s time to pick up your phone. You can finally say whatever you want because you just don’t care. Whether it’s the she-devil that took you to the mall, or the best friend that never picks up the tab - a confrontation is overdue.

*I cannot guarantee the outcome will be better when you’re drunk.

6. Everything

Or so you think.

Written by Kacha Simic